Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings

#30. Strawberry
Pro: Vegetarian, so she doesn’t eat at Arby’s
Con: Dislikes meat eaters so much that she’ll throw blood on them and scream, “MEAT IS MURDER.”

#29. Karen

Pro: Still well spoken even as a senior citizen, I guess?
Con: Will cheat, will criticize, will always be a pretentious monster

#28. Lizbeth
Pro: Likes lasagna
Con: Hates everything else because she’s so TORTURED and DEEP, might be Garfield in disguise

#27. Royce
Pro: Loves to laugh?
Con: Professional gambler, lives with her brother, sleeps with her brother, paid money to see The Wedding Bride

#26. Jeanette
Pro: Dedicated girlfriend, passionate lover, if anything cares too much, is a policewoman so you can run red lights
Con: Cares WAY too much, stalker, prone to throwing beloved items out windows

#25. Stacey
Pro: Slaps people who say “bro” unironically
Con: Plays bass in a reggae band, probably had white girl dreadlocks at some point

#24. Jen
Pro: Might be Ellen May in disguise, minus the drug addiction
Con: Literally so unmemorable that one might forget they already went on a blind date with her

#23. Blah Blah
Pro: World of Warcraft player
Con: On the wrong side of the hot/crazy scale, sells handbags online, Bellevue Hospital patient

#22. Holli
Pro: Kind of looks like Minka Kelly?
Con: Isn’t named “Holly”

#21. Mary
Pro: Paralegal at a successful company
Con: Easily mistaken for a prostitute

#20. Vicky
Pro: Makes you realize the importance of spending your life with a half-decent person
Con: Jerk to waiters, jerk to bus boys, jerk to old people, jerk to everyone really

#19. Becky
Pro: Bubbly, fun, exuberant, bouncy, perky, gleefulness of a five-year-old…
Con: …all things that get annoying after about five minutes

#18. Molly
Pro: An Ohio 10 (OK, a 10 everywhere)
Con: Usually not a good idea to marry the person you lost your virginity to, lives in Ohio

#17. Zoey
Pro: Can introduce you to The Captain, means well
Con: Saving the environment gets tiring after awhile, always carries a recorder around

#16. Marybeth
Pro: Is cool with spending New Year’s Eve with your friends
Con: Gives off signals that seem to say let’s go on a date, actually say let’s be friends.

#15. Holly
Pro: Um…
Con: Um… (seriously, the only thing we know about Holly is that she reminds Ted of Robin, because her ex-fiance is named Wayne, the last name of Batman, whose partner is Robin, and that she slept with Ted)

#14. Amy
Pro: A whole lot of fun if you’re into drinking and hot tubs and even more drinking
Con: Doesn’t think twice about her ex-boyfriend giving her current hook-up a butterfly tattoo on his lower back

#13. Cathy
Pro: Isn’t shy
Con: Women be talkin’ (her fatal flaw was that she talked too much, so, yeah)

#12. Amanda
Pro: Chef at a nice restaurant, skilled pumpkin cheesecake baker
Con: Misspells Lily as “Lori,” lets her hair fall into the soup she’s preparing

#11. Naomi
Pro: Goes to Halloween parties as slutty pumpkins
Con: Apparently her ex- has a weird past with some kooky made-up religion, warning sign

#10. Carly
Pro: Could be Elisha Cuthbert’s sister
Con: Has Stinson in her (meaning she’s related to Barney), only enjoys the new Star Wars movies

#9. Stella
Pro: Good mom, awesome daughter, can yell STTTTTTEEEELLLLLAAAAAA at her whenever you want

#8. Robyn
Pro: Exactly like Robin (shoots guns, drinks scotch, etc.), blonde
Con: Canadian

#7. Natalie
Pro: Knows Krav Maga, listens to Belle and Sebastian, collects sock monkeys
Con: Prone to getting back with ex-boyfriends who broke up with her over answering machine messages

#6. Natalia
Pro: Gourmet cook, can quote every line from Caddyshack, world class violinist
Con: I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention. My phone was ringing.

#5. Honey
Pro: Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry
Con: Not the sharpest tack, once gave her Social Security number to a Nigerian prince, you’ll be broke in hours

#4. Trudy
Pro: Cool with threesomes, finds drunk people singing in bars sexy, looks like Winnie Cooper
Con: Leaves in the middle of the night, uses pineapples as MacGuffins

#3. Victoria
Pro: Always smells like bread and cupcakes, as sweet as said cupcakes, has the same name as a great Kinks song
Con: Might leave you at the altar, isn’t down with the whole “in love with your best friend” thing

#2. Janet
Pro: Graduated from Princeton at 15, donated kidney to stranger, climbed Mt. Everest, saved a baby, billionaire
Con: Enjoys Annie Hall more than Bananas

#1. Cindy
Pro: Summer. Roberts.

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